*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My favorite farside!!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.