Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
how to have an accident 101
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.