Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
You Might Also Like
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD