*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”