I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol