Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.