Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You Might Also Like
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Facebook memories be like
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The happy life.. 😊
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.