me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.