Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
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My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird