In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream