I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.