Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Somewhere in an alternate universe
as is their right
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired