Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
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Lmao
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?