I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The best shot in the history of golf
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I found your tweet-up…
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.