surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
This dude got his own movie?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”