I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
are there any atheist mantises?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC