my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created