Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Beware…..
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game