I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.