Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Note to self: I am a note
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My blood type is coffee.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.