Realize this:
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Self-cleaning conscience
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Welcome
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Saw your ex at the shops