Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
mechanics be like
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard