My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
You Might Also Like
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Perfect
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
#Caturday
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: