imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
handsome & gretel
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces