I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
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ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.