cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
This is me 🤣🤣
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪