[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans