My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
You Might Also Like
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human