Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can