Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak