It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*feels the wind in my toe hair
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently