Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
starting a garage orchestra
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.