9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
went fishing caught a bass
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.