I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
You Might Also Like
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window