My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Vodka burrito was a success
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.