*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people