Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.