Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
never deleting this app.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Breaking news:
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.