One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.