A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer