wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.