The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.