Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
no
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.