I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..