Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Never let them know your next move 😂
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow