Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.