Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.