i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*