[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
You Might Also Like
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.