Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
The French cow says MEUX…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’ve been drinking.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that